I need to write and I should probably be handwriting. It has been an
extremely busy summer of my own creation.
Last year I felt like we did nothing because I was too overwhelmed to
haul four kids around to various activities.
I concluded that because of that I was depressed. The kids’ boredom exacerbated the overwhelmed
feelings. So this summer I have gone in the opposite direction and we are
hardly ever home. I don’t feel like I
have enough time to grocery shop.
Because of all our activities I am tired and have begun to conclude that
I might be depressed. Why can’t I just BE? Why must I see patterns and make
generalizations? I don’t want to be
depressed. I don’t want to be impatient
or grouchy. I don’t want to be
exhausted. I’m not sure what I expect of
myself. I think I expect that I will be
cheerful and energetic with my kids all day long and have the stamina left to
make dinner and calmly put them to bed and then be ready to spend quality time
with my husband or work on my own projects.
But I haven’t been in the last several weeks. I have felt completely drained to the point
where I don’t wake up refreshed. I wake
up and by the time we leave the house at 9:15am I am heaving great sighs and
snipping at my kids in an effort to alleviate the pressure in my chest and the
seemingly endless irritation when a child says or does anything. I am adjusting to not taking any medication
at all and it has only been three weeks. The medication that I was on for a few
weeks before that was contributing to my grouchiness. I still fear that because this has not been a
perfect transition that must mean I need medication and can’t do without
it. I don’t like how I currently treat
my children though or how I feel constantly overwhelmed unless I am by
myself. I want to give myself some
credit that life has been busy and I haven’t really had a proper break recently
but I fear that even requiring breaks is an indication of failure to
thrive. Joe does not seem to understand
although he tries to understand as much as he can. Unlike me, he doesn’t require those breaks
from the family, but then he doesn’t spend 24 hours a day every single day with
them either. I’m not sure he realizes
that I may not be that different from any other mother out there. But because he doesn’t understand and gets
frustrated with me sometimes when I express my exhaustion, I am afraid that I
am failing at this job. I am afraid that
I shouldn’t feel this tired; that I shouldn’t feel this impatient; that I
shouldn’t feel this overwhelmed; that something is wrong with me. Why can’t I just BE? Why do all my thoughts and feelings have to
be up for analysis and judgment all the time?
I’m trying to make writing a coping strategy, which does seem to help a
bit because I can write anything and everything. I am afraid to put it on a blog though where
family and friends read it. Someone will
always take issue with something. I am
finding that I am a very judgmental person and that bothers me. Why does it matter what other people do or
say that does not affect me personally?
I generally consider myself a fair-minded person with good
judgment. These recent weeks have been a
real slap in the face by weaknesses that I thought I had overcome. Actually, the more I think about it, the thought
patterns of depression seem to be desperately trying to claw their way into my
subconscious. I am more critical of
myself and others. I am struggling more
with negative thoughts and fatigue and guilt and impatience and emotional
sensitivity. Several weeks ago I
seriously considered whether or not to stay on medication and I determined that
if I chose to go off medication that I would need to stay very, very close to
Heavenly Father and that this would be a long, painful road. Medication is the easier way and I would
never know if I could do without it if I didn’t try. Maybe I can’t. I don’t know.
I’ve been on medication for seven years now. This period of time is part of that
experiment. I still need to get exercise
and proper diet into place to replace medication. I don’t want to be dependent on psychiatrists
and pharmacies and profit-driven drug companies to dispense drugs for me. I just wish my kids didn’t have to be
affected by my moods. The truth is, I
need my friends and I need a lot of support but I have trouble asking. I know that staying close to Heavenly Father
through scripture study and prayer will help me through this time but it could
still be dark and painful and long. I am fine, really. The last few days have been particularly intense and will probably get better soon but having been through much, much worse before, I am afraid of the downward spiral. Will
you check up on me every once in awhile?
